'David, George needs our help, so get out there and tell the world he's lost it. I have stuff to buy'
'My debut on the Home Shopping Network set a new sales record, reminding the world that everything I touch turns to nine-carat gold'
'My answerphone message says, "I'll do it." How is it possible that I have no cash?'
'I'm too old for all that standing up and singing lark'
'I hit number one on my speed dial. "Mummy?" I breathed expectantly. But that cow Carol was already round there'
'It's great to be able to carry on my father's work, as the torch of crass insensitivity is passed on to the next generation'
How does Alesha Dixon really feel after usurping her one-time Strictly Come Dancing mentor Arlene Phillips? John Crace can only imagine…
How will the Hoff explain the latest rumours of a relapse, wonders Marina Hyde
'This could be the end of the world as we know it.' Well, Dan Brown's world, that is, says John Crace
'Damien's never forgiven me for flogging off his shark'
Is the guy from the Dragons' Den contractually obliged to act like a hugely self-satisfied arse, wonders Marina Hyde
The New Labour spin meister turned psychotherapist tries to get OK! magazine interested in his new baby's first poo. Imagine that!
Marina Hyde imagines what the X Factor judge makes of the changes for the new season
'I know people may be bored of our divorce now… but it's been incredibly stimulating for me creatively'
My name is Paula Abdul, and I am no longer held back by America's highest rating television show
'Cut me in half and the words straight-talking Yorkshireman run right through me. Even though I live in a mansion in Berkshire'
'My wilderness years are over. I am to co-host Loose Women, the ITV daytime show in which four women sit around a table and cackle about willies'
A peek at the diary of David Hasselhoff
How will the Hoff explain the latest rumours of a relapse, wonders Marina Hyde