I have delayed in writing these words. In my mind, I start it, but I can’t finish it. Things become too blurry, because it’s hard to see through tears. So many times I wonder why God moves us, and puts us in different positions. Then after something major happens, it’s then we begin to see His reasons, His will, and His purpose.
Before moving back to Mississippi, I would always try my best to keep in touch with my family. I love my family. They’re very dear to me. When everyone in the world fails you or lets you down, you will always have family. I would call my mom multiple times a day. I would call my aunt’s very often. I talked to my brothers everyday. I also tried my best to call my grandparents every week.
My mom’s mother, Momaw Haddox, was very special to me. Many summers growing up were spent at her house. Through her, I gained alot of knowledge about any and everything. Probably one the best things I gained from her was a love for cooking. She cooked every day, and was very good at it! She was also one who loved Jesus. I loved to be in a church service where she was allowed to testify! She was an anointed woman of God, and would preach the church walls down with her testimonies!
She was a mother of 6 children, grandmother of 13 grandchildren, and great-grandmother of 4 great-grandchildren. Besides spending alot of my time at her house in the summers, I absolutely loved going to her house on Sunday after church for lunch. When I had planned to move back to Mississippi, I was very excited that I would get that chance again. This time, I would do most of the cooking. I moved home on November 28, 2008. She only lived about 15 minutes away, so I went to her house several times once I moved back.
About two weeks after I moved on, I drove to her house. I can’t remember my reasons for driving over there, but one of them was to see my Aunt Marie who lived nextdoor to her. My Aunt Marie has had many medical problems within the past 2 years, and currently is unable to walk. Living in Nashville, I never got to see her much. My plans for that day were to stop in and say hello to my grandmother, and then spend some time with my aunt. I remember needing to be home before a certain time.
As I sat at my grandmother’s house talking to her and my step-grandpa, something kept me there. We began to talk about the Lord, and all the things He had been doing in our lives. I was able to share with her about the time I really experienced a true salvation with Jesus. As usual, we began to just sit there in the living room and “preach” to each other. Almost as if we were having a Bible study/church service in her living room. Tears came to her eyes, as they did mine.
She began to tell me about the time when she received the Holy Ghost in her life. She went on to talk about how much of a change she felt in her body when that moment happened, just as I had described to her about my experience. She talked about how she loved all her children, and how she wanted to see all of them serving the Lord with all their might. If anyone displayed a desire to serve God, it was her. It was a beautiful time…. right there in her living room. Just by simply lifting up the Name of Jesus and talking about His goodness and mercy!
Before I knew it, time had flew by, and I had to get home…. barely getting to say hey to my Aunt. It never hit me that I would have much more time to spend with my aunt, than what I would my Momaw. December 29, 2008, we get a phone call. Momaw had gotten sick, and my Papa had to take her to the emergency room. Mom and I immediately went, and things were not looking good. The doctor’s were coding her. She had had a heart attack.
The next 20 hours were such a blur. I was believing in my heart that nothing was wrong. Just a heart attack, and that she would be fine. The next morning, I visited her in ICU, and she was just laying there. She looked like a completely different person. My heart sank to the bottom of my chest, because I knew that things were looking good. While on life support, her body shut down and my Momaw passed from this world, into the arms of Jesus in Heaven.
This was so unexpected. This wasn’t suppose to happen. I was suppose to spend several more Sundays at her house cooking, and having family time. She was just perfectly fine 2 days before when I had seen her. Our family had already been through alot, and we just didn’t understand.
Life is never easy to understand, but there is one thing I know…. God is still God! He’s still in control. Everyone of us at one point in life has said- everything happens for a reason. We may not like those reasons, but we all know that it is true. God had placed the desire in my heart to move back to Mississippi to take care of my mom. Little did I know, that He also sent me back to Mississippi to spend those last few weeks with my Momaw.
As we visited her body at the funeral, there was such a peace and calm that came to my spirit. On the outside, I was hurting! But on the inside, there was peace. While I reflected, my memory brought me back to that day just a couple weeks before her death, to when I heard her say with her own words about how Jesus was living in her heart…. and heard her talk about her relationship with Him.
Jesus tells us that He is the Way, He is the Truth, and that He is the Life. Noone can come to the Father, except through Him. Momaw knew the Way. She knew the Truth. And she knew the Life and the life that she had in Him! Because of that, she is in Heaven with her Savior. The One she gave her life to.
She wasn’t here on earth when the Doctor told my mom that she’s completely fine. She wasn’t here on earth when all of my Mom’s hair grew back. She won’t be here on earth when my Aunt Marie starts walking again. She won’t be here on earth to see all her children, grandchildren, and others as they serve God, live for Him, and have a relationship with Him. But from Heaven’s view, she sees it. I believe that when her family experiences pain, part of her experiences it too.
Today, I ask myself how can I, her grandson, carry on her love? And my answer is simple- let the Love of Jesus (who gave her that love to begin with) live so strong in my heart. When people see me, I don’t want them to see my past. I don’t want them to see my mistakes, my struggles, my failures, or my flaws. But what I want them to see, is the love of Jesus. Even though she may be gone, love lives on. Love will always live on.
“Even though I cry like crazy, even though it hurts so bad. I’m thankful for the time God gave me, even though we couldn’t make it last. I’m learning how to live without you, even though I don’t want to. And even with you gone, love lives on.”
Will you chose today to let His love live in your life? If you’re wondering how does it start, it starts by loving Him! With all your heart, your soul, and mind.
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