Ep #140: Connecting with your child instead of controlling them

When a child cannot control their own emotions, it can be easy for parents to step in and do it for them. While it may help our child in the short term, it isn't a long-term solution. When parents "control" their child, it can lead to resentment and an inability to function in the real world without parent intervention. Instead, parents need to show their kids what they need to do to control their emotions. 

Parents help kids control their emotions by teaching them specific skills that help them address what they are dealing with without losing control. When children have these skills, they have options instead of acting out.

The behavior skills we teach on SmarterParenting.com will give your child confidence, increase their self-esteem, and make your life easier as you aren't constantly stepping in to "fix" everything.

As you give your child more tools, you strengthen connections with your child, and they will feel that you have their best interest in mind. 

When children feel that you believe in them and trust them, they will often do what they can to build on that, which will have huge dividends as they grow and they know that you are a safe place for them. 

To learn more about the skill discussed in this episode, visit SmarterParenting.com to begin learning the skills that will reshape the interactions you have with your child.

Ep #139: Why parents shouldn’t use corporal punishment when disciplining

When it comes to discipline, parents shouldn’t use corporal punishment. Corporal punishment is any physical, mental, or emotional pain inflicted on our kids

While corporal punishment may be effective in the short term, it can have adverse long-term effects. For example, studies have shown that children who have received physical punishments are more likely to show aggressive behavior as they grow older. 

When we react with anger when overwhelmed or frustrated, we teach our children that it is okay for them to act that way when they feel overwhelmed or frustrated. 

Children need discipline, but the aim of discipline should be to teach our kids, not punish them. When we teach them how to behave, we can prevent future problems as we are showing them a better way of doing things. When we teach, we are investing in a better and stronger relationship with our children.

Ep #138: Changing defiant behavior

Dealing with defiant behavior can be difficult for many parents. They may feel that their child will never make any improvement, and dealing with defiant behavior will be forever a part of their family dynamic.

We 100% know that behavior skills can improve defiant behavior. To improve a child's behavior, though, it requires a parent to make some changes too. 

It can be easy to think that defiant behavior is all our child's fault without realizing that our behavior or reaction may make their behavior worse.
Are we too strict, and are they craving out some freedom? Are we too lenient and have learned that they can get whatever they want by acting out? Do we not listen and jump to conclusions when they are trying to explain something?

It's vital to evaluate what is happening in the home that may be contributing to your child's defiant behavior. You may think you're doing everything right, but your child may need something different than what you are doing.

Because every child is different and has different needs and it's essential to make sure we address their needs. If their needs aren't met, they will try to get those needs met through other means--often through defiant behavior or acting out.

When parents are willing to make changes to help their child, then your child is more likely to find success as you are adapting to what they need. We should be asking ourselves,  "What does my child need from me to make the change permanent?" and then make the changes.

When parents make changes, it changes the dynamic of the whole entire family and will improve your child's behavior.

You can find a transcript and show notes for this episode on SmarterParenting.com

Ep #137: Focusing on what kids do right

We’ve heard so many parents say, “My child doesn’t do anything right.” Even the “worst” kids do things right. In fact, they may be doing a lot right. If we‘re focusing on the “bad,” that will be all we see, and we will miss what they do well.

The skill of Effective Praise helps parents acknowledge what kids are doing well, even if it’s small. When we focus on the positive, we will see things change as our kids will respond to the praise and acknowledgment of what they’re doing right.

Using Effective Praise is different than just offering general praise. General praise is sayings like, “Good job,” “Way to go,” “I’m proud of you.” While all of these sounds great, they won’t change your child’s behavior because they don’t tell a child anything.

On the other hand, Effective Praise helps a child understand what they are doing well and why they should continue it. Effective Praise is specific and tailored to your child and what they are doing.

Effective Praise sounds like, “Good job putting away your shoes. When you put away your shoes, you will know where they are, and you don’t have to spend time looking for them when you want to play with your friends.” 

The hardest time to praise our children is when they are misbehaving, as it can be easy to think they don’t deserve praise. That is when you need to praise them! Remember, a child acts out because they are dealing with large emotions that they don’t know how to express. When you praise positive behaviors during a tantrum, it shows them they have options other than misbehaving and that even though they are acting out, you still love them and want to help them.

You can find the skill of Effective Praise on the Smarter Parenting website.

Ep #136: Using behavior skills with ADHD and ODD

Many children with ADHD also have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Understanding the difference between these two diagnoses will help parents better understand how to help their child.

Whether your child has ADHD, ODD, or both, the skills we teach on Smarter Parenting will work to help improve your child’s behavior. How you implement the skills will change depending on your child’s diagnosis because your child will need different things depending on their diagnosis.

Do you wonder if your child has ODD? All children can have moments of difficulty when they are angry or argue. Children with ODD show persistent anger, moodiness, arguing, defiance, or vindictiveness towards you or other authority figures. Their behavior goes beyond normal child’s behavior.

Children with ODD tend to angry, irritable, argumentative, or defiant and deliberately annoy, upset, or blame others for their mistakes. Children with ODD tend not to take responsibility for their actions, making them less likely to respond to consequences as they don’t believe they did anything wrong. 

Instead, they respond well to Effective Praise as it reinforces their self-motivation and self-rational.

Children with ADHD do respond well to Effective Negative Consequences as children then tend to act without thinking.

We love the skills of the Teaching-Family Model because no matter what diagnosis your child has, they can help. 

We know that implementing the skills when your child has a diagnosis can be challenging. If you need help, we offer individual coaching tailored to your child and your specific situation.

Sign up at SmarterParenting.com/coaching

We can’t wait to help you!

Ep #135: Recognizing our parenting weaknesses

Recognizing our parenting weaknesses can be challenging. It is never easy to admit that how we are parenting may not be working.

All parents struggle at times when it comes to parenting. We all come with our own baggage when it comes to parenting.

Struggling as a parent does not make you a failure. If you are struggling, it just means that something needs to change. Lasting change requires work and often doesn’t happen overnight.

This can be especially true when trying to implement a new behavior skill with our children. We may not see a behavior skill working right away and assume that the skills don’t work. They work! 

Because each child and each family is different, it may take longer for it to click with a child or for a family to develop the consistency they need to create change.

Parents that stick with learning new behavior skills will eventually see incredible, long-lasting outcomes. Parents who are diligent in using the skills of the Teaching-Family Model report increased family harmony, stronger relationships, improved communications, increased confidence, and a belief that they have prepared their child to be a good human being that contributes to society.

If you are struggling with your parenting, let us help. We want your family to thrive. With Parenting Coaching, we can help you come up with a tailored plan that will work for your family.

Don't wait to improve your family. Sign up today.

https://club.smarterparenting.com/

Ep #134: Preventing parenting burnout

Are you feeling burnt-out as a parent? Is that burnout affecting your relationship with your family? 

Parental burnout is more common today than previously due to many factors that previous generations didn't have to deal with. 

Parenting has changed and raising kids isn't always easy. All parents struggle at some point with feeling overwhelmed, dealing with communication or behavior struggles.

When we feel burnt-out as a parent, it can cause us to become emotionally distant from our family. It can lead us to not finding happiness in being a parent. It can lead to us feeling isolated and alone. It can make us feel unsupported.

It's important when we are struggling as a parent to be able to reach out and connect with someone else. To build a community that supports and lifts us when we are feeling overwhelmed. This community could include your partner, family members, friends, or neighbors.

If you are one of those parents who feel that you are doing it all and that you're getting no support from your kids, we recommend implementing Preventive Teaching.

Preventive Teaching helps parents set expectations of what they expect, shows kids how to do it, and lays out the rewards and consequences if they do or don't do the behavior.

Children need expectations. They thrive when they know what is expected of them as they learn how to navigate the world around them. Without teaching them what to do, it's hard to expect them to know what you want them to do.

Having expectations and then following through with rewards and consequences will strengthen your relationship with your child. When a child acts out, often it is because they are seeking an emotional connection. It's their way of asking, "Are you there? Do you love me? Are you still going to love me when I mess up?"

Parenting is a hard job. We at SmarterParenting.com are here to support you. We want you to feel empowered and confident in your parenting abilities. You can do it. You are not alone!

Ep #133: Parenting wisdom from The Karate Kid

You can become a parenting master who knows how to help your child best. It just takes a little practice.

We hear from parents constantly that Role-playing, aka the practicing, is the hardest part of learning a new skill. 

The practicing is where the magic happens. Practicing allows your child to create muscle memory and be confident in what they need to do. Practicing is where you will see how well your child understands what is taught.

When we are little, it's common for us to practice new things. We practice them in school. We practice them at home. As we grow, though, we practice less, which can make Role-playing a new skill awkward or uncomfortable.

Practicing doesn't have to be scary. Practicing should be fun! 

There are many ways to practice something new, including using games or activities. We encourage parents to be creative when practicing with their children. Some methods will work better depending on your child. 

We've turned picking up clothes into a game. We've used reverse Role-plays where we've become the kid, and the kid has become the adult. We've used props and puppets. We've also done Role-plays where we didn't use anything special.

As you practice with your child, your child will become comfortable practicing and will be more inclined to practice new things in the future.

We know you want your child to be successful. Adapting a practice to your child's needs is what parenting masters do, as it focuses on helping your child find success.

You can learn more about practicing at https://www.smarterparenting.com/skills/role-playing/

Ep #132: Helping a child calm down from a tantrum

Have you ever wondered how to help your child when they are out of control? Are you unsure of what to do when your child is tantruming or defiant, and nothing seems to be working? 

On today's podcast, Parenting Coach Siope Kinikini is joined by Naomi Halterman, director of training at Utah Youth Village. In this episode, they discuss what parents can do to help their child when their child is feeling out of control by using the behavior skills of the Teaching-Family Model.

Dealing with a child who is throwing a tantrum is never easy as it requires a lot of patience to get them back into control.  A child's tantrum can involve anger, crying, defiance, or even ignoring you and will look different in younger kids versus older kids.

When teaching to a child's tantrum, remember that your goal is to help them get to a state where they can do what is asked of them without resorting to tantrum behaviors. No matter what tantrum behavior they are experiencing, how you address it remains the same.

You address tantrum behaviors by giving them small instructions to calm down and continually give that instruction until they comply. 

Giving the same instruction repeatedly without a child doing it is hard for many parents. Providing the same instruction repeatedly without getting angry or frustrated signals to your child that they have permission to calm down and that you aren't mad with them for feeling overwhelmed and out of control, which is very comforting to your child.

You're going to enjoy listening to Naomi and her experience with working with the Teaching-Family Model. We can't wait for you to take a listen.

To learn more about the behavior skills talked about in this episode, visit SmarterParenting.com.

Ep #131: Creating a safe place for kids to talk about hard topics

Creating a safe space where our children can talk about anything takes work but is incredibly important in building and strengthening our relationships.

Our kids will have questions about complex topics, and if they don't feel they can come to us, they will seek out answers elsewhere and may get information that is incorrect or goes against our belief system.

Children ask difficult questions because they are trying to make sense of the world and their place in it. We want our kids to feel comfortable asking difficult questions and need to permit them to do so. 

We understand that sometimes these complex topics are triggering and can cause parents to have an emotional response or to shut down. As parents, we want to create gates, not walls, when our children approach us. Gates allow us to guide and understand where walls teach our children that what they are curious about is a problem.

The skill of Effective Communication helps parents create those gates by helping both parties feel listened to and understood. Effective Communication works with children of all ages and can be used when discussing any topics. When parents use Effective Communication, they permit their children to talk about important things to them, which, in turn,  fortifies their relationship.

You can find the skill of Effective Communication at SmarterParenting.com