Thomas Knox’s pop-up, Date While You Wait, started by bringing New Yorkers together for meaningful conversations in the Union Square subway station. After going viral, Date While You Wait has been replicated in cities around the world and even became an Emmy-nominated TV show! In this episode of Keep Connected, you’ll hear about the keys to Thomas’s success, from cultivating a positive mindset to finding common ground with strangers. Learn how to make the most out of life by connecting with others.
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Finding Happiness by Helping Others With Thomas Knox
In this episode, we’re talking to Thomas C. Knox, an amazing individual who started an international movement around connecting. He started something called Date While You Wait, which I can’t wait for you to learn about because this is so creative. I enjoyed this episode and I hope you’ll enjoy this as well.
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Welcome, Thomas Knox, to the show.
Thank you for having me. It’s a pleasure being here. This is great.
I heard that you were nominated for two different Emmy’s for Date While You Wait. Is that the case that you just found out?
I found out before us having this conversation that our show, Date While You Wait tv series was nominated for two Emmy’s. One is for the show and one is for a music video we produced based on one of the episodes from the show.
People don’t even know what Date While You Wait is. We’re going to get into it but first, we want to get into who Thomas Knox is. By day, you’re a Head of Product for an AI startup. That must keep you busy. Somehow, I don’t know how you do a lot of other things like Mr. Entrepreneur. You’re the Founder of Date While You Wait, The Connection Collective, BeGreat Bow Ties. You have amazing community leadership. I don’t know how you do it all, but we’re going to find out what you eat in the morning and how you’re able to have the time to do all these things. Before we do, tell us a little about this Emmy-nominated Date While You Wait. It started a few years ago. It got a lot of buzz and national exposure. What is it and why are we talking about it?
Date While You Wait is a connection platform I created. A lot of people would say it’s a social experiment but it wasn’t that. I wanted to find a way to get people in New York City to connect while they commute. I had a conversation with a friend about her commute. She was telling me about how terrible it was and a light bulb went off in my head. How can I better connect people, especially when we commute? That’s when I came out with Date While You Wait. What I do is I use a table, two chairs, a flower. I try to make it homey and comfy. I have conversations with people about whatever they want. It can be about your day at work, your relationship, a project you want to start. It doesn’t matter. The space is created to allow people to take a break and interact with each other. That’s what it started out as. When I started it, it quickly went viral.
Thomas, when I’m commuting, I got a person in one underarm over here, another person in my face over there. It’s not necessarily the most conducive experience to being able to meet people. What you’ve done is you have taken it out of the train. Where do you set the table up? Is it on a platform?
I set it up on a platform. I try to choose platforms that have a reasonable amount of space. That way I’m not blocking anyone. The first time I did it was at Union Square.
That’s not a busy station or anything.
Be open to understand that everybody communicates different.
It was pretty crazy. It was like a Saturday afternoon. It was me and two of my friends. We ended up meeting 22 people. I literally sat there and had conversations with them. I talked to them about what their commutes were like. I didn’t even know where to go.
How many people would you say you’ve had conversations with in Date While You Wait with a nice flower and a Coke bottle on a platform?
I would say maybe 1,500 to 2,000. I started doing it once a week. I would work and then after work, I would go sit in the subway for three hours and meet whoever wanted to connect with me. I did that for a few years.
You’ve got to have some great stories. Tell us 1 or 2 stories about some of the people that you met and some of those experiences.
I remember the first day I did Date While You Wait. There was a gentleman I met who was visiting from out of the country. I can’t remember if he’s from Russia or what country he was from. He was here to visit his partner. They had a long-distance online relationship. This was their first-time meeting. He was coming from a meeting and when they met, they had a weird connection in person. It wasn’t the same as it was when they used to talk online. He said he left frustrated and was on his way to the airport. After our conversation, he decided to go back and try again and have another conversation. I don’t know how it turned out. I told him like, “You have to be open to understanding. Everybody communicates differently when you meet someone for the first time. It’s a stressful thing. You might want to give it another try and see where it goes.” He decided to go back.
Do you think more people are more open to being vulnerable and sharing things about themselves, like the person who you spoke about, with a total stranger? Does that somehow creates a nonsexual type of intimacy, but a real intimacy in the conversation? What’s your perspective on that?
When you connect with a total stranger, they don’t know anything about you. You have the ability to share what you want to share and how you want to share it. I also find that when I connect with strangers, I try my best to find something that we have in common because it’s easier for me to break the ice with them. Understanding that we both may like basketball or we both may be from Brooklyn. All those things play a huge part in how I connect with people. I hate to say I’m successful at it but that’s why I feel like I’ve had great conversations and connections.
Do you stay in touch with people ever afterwards or is it usually a one-time type exchange?
There are people who follow me on social media. There are people who I’ve met when visiting other cities. The thing to always keep in mind is that when you connect with someone, no matter where you are in your life, you always have that connection. A hundred years from now, when I see that person, we’ll have that time where we met in the subway. It’s how it works.
A hundred years from now, will you remember me and we’ll be able to hang?
Absolutely, 100%. That’s the point. It’s always important to keep in mind that when people share something, especially something that’s maybe an intimate moment or something that’s private, it’s easier to have a more open conversation once you align with them. If someone tells me they had a bad relationship and I share an experience that I may have had in a bad relationship, it’s easier for us to have a deeper conversation.
I met someone in person for the first time and we had lunch together. We had probably ten different Zoom meetings. They were all about work-related stuff. We didn’t know each other. I feel so connected to this person. We talked about our families, our hopes, things that we’re worried about, challenges and problems in our life. Sitting face to face changes everything versus a Zoom. It brought home how much we missed those opportunities during the pandemic. Tell me more. Walk us through the evolution. It got big and got some national exposure and some TV shows. Walk us through how it became a thing.
It was odd, honestly. I set up a table and chairs in the subway, then I went home afterwards after sitting in the subway for three hours. I was half dead. My friend was like, “You need to post these pictures.” We only have 70, 80 photos. I was like, “I don’t care.” He’s like, “Post the photos,” so I posted the photos. I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and the album was shared 150,000 times. All these news outlets are reaching out to me. Everybody’s like, “What is this thing you’re doing? Tell us what this thing is,” but I didn’t even know. What I decided to do is try to figure out a better way to explain it to people. That’s when I started introducing board games. It’s been done internationally. I’ve done it in several countries. I’ve done it in France and Canada. People have done it in their respective countries.
I was wondering if other people are now taking on Date While You Wait, and you see people posting it all over the place.
It’s been done in Australia. I’ve seen it done also in France and Italy. It’s been picked up by every major publication. I’ve been interviewed by Huffington Post, New York Times, CNN. Pretty much every news outlet reached out to me to have a conversation about this thing I was doing. As I continued to do it for the first year or so, it was getting to a point where I was working full-time and I was doing this after work. I was like, “I have to find a way to turn this into a living because I love to connect.” I ended up signing a contract with a public speaking agency. I started traveling and speaking at different universities about the importance of human connection.
I started doing workshops with students in public elementary and middle schools. It became more than this thing I was doing at the subway and became something that people could gravitate to connect with. I continued to try to develop it. It slowed down because I felt like as an entrepreneur and you may know about this as well, it’s a process. There’s no straight line or straight path. It took a while for me to get it to a point where I can turn it into a company, to me creating a new company and turning Date While You Wait into being a connection platform and now a TV series. That’s an evolution in a nutshell.
It’s not as though you’re like this PR guru calling up all these different places. If you don’t mind me saying it, you’re a regular guy that had a crazy great idea that’s all about trying to make the world a better place. One of the things that I believe in, and I know you do too, is that there’s a lot of ignorance in this world. There is a lot of xenophobia, racism, antisemitism or anti-isms, let’s just call it that, out there. What breaks those barriers down is when people are able to have a connection one-on-one with someone. That’s what you’re doing. It literally could be the cure to all the anti and hate that exists out there if millions of people did Date While You Wait.
I appreciate it. I agree with you. I look at myself and I feel I’m just a regular guy. Everybody’s like, “Stop saying that. You are so much more.”
You are a special person.
In my mind, I believe that anyone could have created Date While You Wait. I did it but everyone has a passion project or everybody has something that they wanted to do or they want to do that’s maybe holding them back. For whatever reason, they don’t have the confidence to do that just yet. That’s something that I want to be able to encourage people to do as I do Date While You Wait and so many other projects and companies that I’m a part of. My mission is to find ways to create a connection but utilize it in a way where you can build on it to build what you want to do, and what you’re passionate about.
Thomas is wearing a t-shirt and it has the word “optimist” on it. Is it because you’re an optimist, you’re resilient? What was it about you that took the idea and turn it into something versus someone who has ideas in the shower and never goes anywhere?
When you meet someone for the first time, it’s a stressful thing. Just give it another try and see where it goes.
I believe that everybody matters. I’m originally from New York. Growing up, my mom was a substance abuser. I’ve been in group homes. I was in the foster care system. I don’t have horror stories as some people have. I feel like those moments saved my life. It helped me paved the way for who I became. Being in a group home, I tell people all the time, “It was one of the best things for me because I saw other children that had parents that were going through what I was going through.” They were from all over the city from different countries, from different races. It created a brotherhood that I never had being at home. I believe that we’re citizens of the world. It bothers me that we have these border wars, and people can go to this country and that country, and you got to go do this and do that.
In my head, we’re citizens of the world. We should be able to go anywhere in the world and be able to explore it and enjoy it. That’s how I live my life. I try to treat people the way they treat me. I’m an optimist but I have moments like everybody else. I go through it like everybody else because I’m human and I’m not perfect. That’s something that I try to carry every day when I’m connecting with people and try to spread kindness in the work I do. Hopefully, I get that back. I don’t do things for clout and to get recognized for them. I do things because it feels good. I feel good supporting and connecting and encouraging people.
I finished a book by Tal Shahar called Happier. It talks about the importance of doing good things for you to feel good about it. If you do good things or you help other people and you don’t feel good or you feel stressed out, it’s not sustainable. If you do good things and by helping other people, you’re also helping yourself. The key item is to “be selfish.” Your happiness matter when you’re also helping other people because that’s what turns things into something sustainable. It sounds like that’s something that happens for you.
In addition to that, sometimes when I’m in a space where I may be a little down or I may not feel like things are going the way I wanted, the universe has a funny way of having someone reach out to me and be like, “I started a company because of you. I watched the recent episode of your show and I was encouraged to talk to my mom about a problem we might have.” Whenever I feel down or I have a moment, something always happens. It’s like serendipity. It just happens like, “You’re on the right path. Keep it going.”
You struck a chord with me when you gave me that example because I was on a call with a student of mine. I teach at Columbia as well. The student had said to me about this professor that had this enormous impact on her. I said to her, “Did you tell the professor that they changed your life and what you were going to focus on for your career?” She’s like, “I haven’t.” I’m like, “Tell the professor. You will be helping that professor so much if you tell them. It gives them strength.” That person can then positively influence so many other people.
To everyone out there, if there are people that have helped you, tell them because it helps them so much. It gives them the strength to be able to keep doing what they’re doing. I met someone who is in venture capital. He said to me, “My entire career is because of Meetup. My entire job was learning about companies by going to different Meetup events. I rose up in my job because I was the only person that knew about Meetup. I kept telling everyone to go to Meetup events. I want people to be able to tell someone about this. I’m so glad I could meet you.” It sounds like you get that from your people.
Give people their flowers like, “Thank you for what you’ve done.” When you received that, you’re more open to continuing to spread that type of connection. That’s something that people sometimes forget. You know it made you feel good. Because it made you feel good, it might be a good idea to tell the person, “Thank you. Here’s why it made me feel the way it made me feel.”
I want to hit on serendipity because you mentioned that. The first thing I thought that one of the many reasons why Date While You Wait has been so successful is the power of serendipity. If you go to let’s say a Meetup event and you randomly bump into someone, that could become your lifelong partner or a friend or even an interesting conversation. It’s the serendipity of it that adds to the power of the experience. I imagine, for Date While You Wait, no one’s expecting to sit down and connect with someone, or have a half an hour meaningful conversation. They didn’t plan for it. It just happens. The fact that it happened out of the blue and was unplanned makes it so much more special. I’d love to hear your thoughts on serendipity and how that plays into everything that you do.
Looking at New York City, for instance. I think about being in the subway car with 30-40 people. I’m willing to bet that out of those 30 or 40 people, 85% even 90% of them look at the map to go somewhere. In my mind, that’s something that drives me with Date While You Wait. I believe that every single person everywhere has something in common. The one thing we have in common that we can’t fight is we all were born. We all have parents and we were born. Whenever someone’s like, “I don’t have anything in common with you.” I’m like, “We both were born. We’re hearing this and we’re humans.” We have that in common. That’s number one.
Number two, specifically from New York, there are things that New Yorkers do every single day that every person does. In my mind, when I meet someone, especially with Date While You Wait, I utilize those types of connections in my conversation. If someone tells me they’re from Brooklyn, I’m like, “Have you been to Brooklyn Bridge Park?” They’re like, “Yes, that’s one of my favorite places.” We spend fifteen minutes talking about Brooklyn Bridge Park.
As someone who’s talked to thousands of strangers, you’ve picked up on tips. What are some different conversation and connection advice that you could give people? Give us some tips.
I’m no specialist but the one thing is always going to every conversation with a positive mindset. Not even conversations, but any situation with anything negative. A lot of times, you create a valley for that to enter your space. I’m big on energy and body language. I’m a reader of those things. I can tell how someone’s feeling based on how close they’re leaning to me or the eye contact they’re making with me. Once again, we’re humans. Try to have a positive mindset and intent in things you do. That’s number one. The second thing is when you’re connecting with someone, understand that they’re human like you are. They make mistakes like you. They’re living life like you are. They go through trials and tribulations like you.
A lot of the connections that I have with people, when they share something with me, I try to give them something similar in return. That way they’re not feeling alone. I’ve had people share that they’re in abusive relationships. I haven’t been in an abusive relationship but I’ve seen people in those relationships. I’ve had family members in those relationships. I can talk to that. It creates a comfort level for that person to be able to share where they are. When you’re having conversations, especially if you’re someone who isn’t an introvert, find the commonalities and utilize the commonalities to continue to develop the conversation.
Also, I’m fearless. I believe that for anyone who doesn’t want to connect with me, there’s nothing wrong with them. They’re just not my cup of tea. I’m a single guy and a young woman tells me, “I’m not interested in you.” I’m not going to go cry in the corner. I’m not going to be upset by it. I say to her, “I appreciate the time. I learned a lesson,” and I take that into my next situation or the next person I date. There’s a moment of like, “I was rejected,” but I’d rather be rejected by someone who’s not interested in me than me putting all this energy into the person and they never reject me. It’s not only with relationships but in any type of connection you have. If someone is not interested in a story you’re sharing or they’re not interested in some advice you’re looking to give, that’s totally fine. Let them be great where they are. You look for the people that want to have that information or someone that does appreciate it. Those are the three things I would have.
Number one, be positive. Number two, find commonality. Number three, be fearless. Also too often, people won’t even say to each other, “You’re not the right person for me,” they just ghost them. It’s even a step above. When people are able to directly address and be comfortable being uncomfortable or having that uncomfortable conversation, that’s a win. I used to run sales teams. I used to always say to my sales team, “Don’t close the deal. Don’t get them to sign a contract. Get to resolution.” Resolution means a no or yes. I don’t care whether it’s a no or a yes. Get an answer one way or the other.
You have some great advice on conversations. I don’t know if you also have advice on how to do things with one spare time. You started Date While You Wait, as you said, you’ll be coming home one night and do it one night while you’re working. Many people are exhausted from work. They don’t have enough time to start bow tie companies and all these other things and do things on the side. Any advice for how to make the time to do all these types of things that you do? You do it and you do it well, but how?
Start somewhere. I worked for a technology company for seven years. I work 9:00 to 5:00, Monday through Friday, and I was doing Date While You Wait in the evenings. I found that sometimes, I had to take 5 or 10 minutes to write down a sentence. That sentence turned into a page, and that page turned into a book. I went from that to saying, “I’m going to give myself 30 days, 60 days. I’ll give myself a quarter. I’ll give myself a year to make this happen. If it doesn’t happen, I got to let it go.” That was something that allowed me to build out not just Date While You Wait, but the other things that I do. The advice I would give is to write down sentence one.
Some people, when they create an idea or have an idea, they have something that’s specific about it. It may be the name or the first event they want to do. It may be the color scheme or the fonts they want to use. Write it down and put it in a safe space. You may look at it six months from now. I suggest taking 5-10 minutes every day and add something else to it. It’s funny you asked that. I have a friend who reached out to me. She was like, “I want to thank you for helping me start my business.” She used to always tell me, “I want to start this business.” Every time we would talk, the first thing I’ll ask is, “How’s the business going?” She would be like, “Well, you know.” It annoyed me. I was literally getting annoyed and she’s my friend. I didn’t tell her that but I said, “Next time we talk, we’re going to write this stuff down.” What I did is I got her a book as a gift.
The next time we spoke, I asked her about it. She gave me the run-around. I say, “How about we start now? Remember that book I gave you?” She pulled out the book and started writing about the business. She reached out to me and said, “I want to do some research. I went to a spa.” She wants to do something with spas. She’s like, “I went to a spa to do some research. It’s all thanks to you.” That’s what it takes. If you put 40 hours into somebody else’s dream and in somebody else’s business, the best you can do is put an hour a week into yours.
You have the discipline, but you also have the great planning that goes into it. You created The Connection Collective as an offspring of Date While You Wait which helps to evolve. Tell everyone a little more about The Connection Collective, what it is and how you help students and others.
There’s no straight path to your dream. Everything is a process.
Originally, I was working with colleges, public elementary and middle schools under Date While You Wait. I would get feedback from teachers and they’re like, “Date While You Wait sounds different for our students. Can you come over?” I’m like, “Date While You Wait is about connection.” They’re like, “We understand, but sixth graders don’t.”
They’re not quite dating yet.
It was a little bit of a challenge. It took me a while to try to come up with something that schools could present to their students and to all the teachers. It took me a while to come up with it and come up with the name. That’s where The Connection Collective was born. I do a bunch of different workshops. There’s one workshop I deal with, The Connection Series. It’s all focused on the three C’s of human connection, Confidence, Courage and Communication. I teach students how to have better interactions with their parents, fellow classmates, teachers, parents and so on, utilizing that blueprint I created based on Date While You Wait. That’s where I come in with the workshops that I do, more specifically with students in schools.
You are a man with a dream. Tell me what the dream is. You’re also a man of reality, not just a dream. You also have a bigger dream. What is the dream behind The Connection Collective? When a billion people are doing The Connection Collective, is that what you want? What do you want that to look like? What can this become?
I would love to have a space where I call it the Connection Hub, where people can come. If you’re an adult and you want to come and draw on the walls, why not? Come and draw on the walls. If you want to create music and people tell you, “You can’t sing.” Why not come sing? Sing your heart out. I want the connection to be something that is happening because you have an interest in it. You can develop those interests.
Every city around the world is going to have a connection hub. If there is anybody out there that are big venture capitalists that want to reach out to you and underwrite The Connection Hub, then you’ll take that email. We have a segment that used to be called rapid-fire, but the people at Meetup had all said to me, “David, it’s not so rapid-fire because it takes too long.” I want to introduce the non-rapid-fire rapid-fire questions. Are you ready?
I’m ready. Let’s do it.
The first time you saw yourself as a leader, Thomas?
My first job out of high school.
What was that?
I was working out of The Gap. The Gap 166 in Broadway.
Why were you a leader at The Gap? What happened?
Back in those times, I wanted to be the best I can be. That literally was my interview process. I went to an interview. Back in those days, you had to fill out an application paper. They didn’t have any so I went to the next closest one. I got an application, fill it out and walk back. It manifested from there.
If you could access a time machine and go any place at any time, where and when are you going?
Harlem Renaissance, the early 1900s. I’m big into Langston Hughes. I’m a jazz guy. It would probably be those times and having conversations with them. The Black people back in those times, how they were able to create and still build with everything happening from segregation to brutality and racism.
What’s on your bucket list? What do you want to still do that you want to make sure 100 years from now, you’ve checked that thing off?
I’m going to give something away that I probably shouldn’t but I’m going to. I want to give thanks to people that have influenced me in my life. I’m working on a project where I’m literally going around the world in person, giving thanks to people that have influenced me. That would be on my bucket list. Giving thanks to as many people that have encouraged and influenced me, that has impacted my life. Being able to do that without worrying about paying bills because I’m going to have to either take off or do some type of road trip. Being able to sustain a lifestyle and still go out and give thanks to everyone.
I want to join you on that. I think back to my life and I’ve had so many mentors in my life that have changed my life. They have no idea of the impact that they had. When you give gratitude for things, the person you’re helping sometimes the most is even yourself. By giving gratitude, you become a better person and a more thankful person. Last question. What do you want to be remembered as?
I want to be remembered as a connector. A person that brings people together no matter what the circumstance.
That is going to happen. You’re already that. Somehow, you’re an incredibly easy person for me to feel connected to. I feel connected to you now, which is great. I’m sure that has happened thousands of times. It’s going to happen many more times. It’s a beautiful aspiration in life because life is short. You don’t take your material objects with you, but you do take the memories, the connections, and the way that you helped others. You’re going to be taking a lot. Thomas, you rock. Thank you so much for being on the show. Hopefully, we’ll continue our relationship together.
Keep connected. Life is better together.
I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me. This has been a pleasure.
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When you talk to someone like Thomas, you just realize how many amazing people there are in this world. It’s incredibly motivating. There are many things he said that struck a chord in me. The first thing is that every person has something in common and finding that commonality. The second thing that resonated for me is around giving people their flowers, their appreciation. Lastly and I want to point out his advice on making the time to find small successes. Turn a word into a sentence, sentence into a paragraph, and paragraph into a book. That’s how you build. He’s a builder. I enjoyed it. I hope you did too. If you did, subscribe and leave us a review. Remember, let’s keep connected because life is better together.
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About Thomas C. Knox
Thomas C Knox is a Master Connection Curator, Social Entrepreneur, and Thought Leader from Brooklyn, New York. His company, The Connection Collective is deeply committed to cultivating impactful experiences while challenging and empowering people to connect in new ways. He is also the owner of BeGreat Bow Ties, A custom bow tie company that encourages its customers to be unique in style. Lastly, Thomas is the creator/host of a new 7-time award-winning television series based on his connection platform, Date While You Wait.
Last modified on August 18, 2021
